Movie 87 Gigli (2003)

Andy and I decided to take a short break from the relentless task of watching God awful movies. We quickly realised that we couldn’t really carry on considering ourselves cinema aficionados and connoisseurs when we hadn’t actually watched a decent film in months.

Cover of "Gigli"

Cover of Gigli

As previously discussed we were also slightly concerned we had developed  a Stockholm Syndrome and lost all comparative ability. Basically, we started enjoying the movies. It was very worrying. In our brief hiatus I can tell you that I enjoyed Now You See Me with Jesse Eisenberg, Woody Harrelson and the vastly underrated Mark Ruffalo. Kick Ass 2 was enjoyable enough but a bit of a disappointment no matter how great Chloe Grace Moretz  was and We’re The Millers was surprisingly amusing. Jason Sudekis is enjoying quite the mid life surge in the Hollywood zeitgeist. Worry not, though, we are indeed back and it promises to be the most ineffective comeback since Frank Bruno thought he was Frankie Dettori*.

So, to Gigli, a movie that has become quite synonymous with cinema turkeys. Most people have written off this movie before they have even seen it. The majority of the population like to use it as a reference for an awful way to spend 90 minutes without giving it a chance, which is unfair. They are, of course right. Saying that, I watched England vs Ukraine on Tuesday and it is difficult to say which 90 minutes was more painful. My main gripe is that these people can now quote Gigli without having to endure it. We have endured it. It’s ours. Back off!

Now, in our absence, Ben Affleck has of course been named as the new Batman for the Superman cross over series. I don’t want to say that had we remained active it wouldn’t have happened but it should be noted that this shit didn’t happen on our watch. The casting team clearly didn’t watch Gigli. I don’t want to rip into Affleck too much as I genuinely like him. He is a talented guy both in front of and behind the camera but I think money talked for this decision. The problem was the studios were so desperate to put Affleck and Lopez in a project together to monetise their off screen chemistry they forgot that you still need a good film. Jack Lemon and Walter Mathau couldn’t have made this watchable. The gratuitous attempts to sex it up using Lopez’s (only) talents did absolutely nothing for them. I’m not complaining about them showing J-Lo in next to nothing. I am complaining they didn’t do it enough. By the end of it we just wanted to see sex/shower/sideboob shots to at least keep you slightly interested but I don’t think they could afford Lopez or Affleck’s nudity clauses. It was like queuing up for Space Mountain and getting on the teacups.

Gigli also looks, smells and feels like a teeny romcom but it sounds like a fucking sailor! For some reason there is an uncredible amount of violence and foul language that would have you quickly sending the younger members of the family out of the room. The bad news is that if you do choose to watch it then your kids are about to learn some new words. The good news is they will probably need all of those those words should they choose to become a movie reviewer and write about this movie.

Anyway we are glad to be back and see you soon.

Craig

*mental health issues are indeed not hilarious.

@CraigHazell

Hello again! Sorry for the delay, we’ve been busy with other endeavours which unfortunately didn’t involve watching dreadful movies. But our withdrawal symptoms were well and truly satisfied with ‘Gigli’ (pronounced Jee-Lee, like really, apparently) starring Jenny From The Block and Batman.

This movie is baffling for so many reasons but I think what really floored me was discovering it was written and directed by the same man that directed Al Pacino‘s incredible performance in Scent Of A Woman. Predictably, Martin Brest has had no career to speak of since this embarrassment but that does seem a little harsh considering his CV pre-Jee-Lee is quite impressive and the abysmal Jenny From The Block and Batman seem relatively unscathed from the ordeal. Not that it was an ordeal for either of them who both took a nice $12,000,000 and $12,500,000 respectively and it will sum up the miscomings of the film when I tell you that their combined fees come to more than 3 times the overall worldwide gross of $7,226,209. Here’s a short example of some of the terrible acting/dialogue *WARNING There is a lot of monotone shouting*

On face value it doesn’t seem like Jee-Lee is that bad, I mean it’s a pretty easy watch but don’t be fooled, it is truly awful. The two leads have absolutely no chemistry and it is bizarre seeing Batman, who is an actor I normally quite like, being as dreadful as this. The dialogue is some of the worst I’ve ever heard and Justin Bartha is basically doing a Rainman impression….a pretty bad one at that. The reviews were so bad when it first came out that it went from being shown at 2,215 theatre in its first week to being shown in only 73 by its third week, an incredible 97% drop, which at the time was the highest drop of all time. In the UK we were a little more switched on and dropped it in every cinema by its second week. Apparently Jenny From The Block talking dirty while doing yoga in next to nothing isn’t enough to get bums on seats in the cinemas. Also, anybody who was searching for an extra reason to have respect for Halle Berry you will be pleased to know that she was originally set to star opposite Batman in Jee-Lee but dropped out and, considering she was probably also in line to pocket $12,000,000, is both noble and long-sighted of her! I don’t think Jee-Lee knew what type of movie it wanted to be; on one hand it seemed like a terrible cheesy rom-com and then in a couple of scenes it was like a terrible dark gangster film with people getting quite graphically shot in the head. At least it decided that it wanted to be terrible I suppose.

I guess the bottom line and the main thing that you need to know about Jee-Lee is that it is rigli rigli shit.

Andy

@TheAndyGibbins

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